The last thing you want to do when your relationship is going smoothly is put it on “autopilot”…
See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World.
Anyone who commutes to work has had the experience of arriving at the office and not even remembering the process of getting there. The first time you become aware of it having happened, it is frankly a bit scary. However, our brains are wired so that we can complete repetitive and complex processes without even being conscious of our actions. This is our “autopilot” mode. And while it can be useful for some circumstances, driving our relationships is certainly not one of them. Yet, this is how many couples behave much of the time, and to no good end.
I Have It Handled
I distinctly remember during my marriage how important it was to make sure things were “handled.” This meant: providing food, clothing and shelter for the family (check), spending time with the kids so they grew up well adjusted (check), spending time with my wife so she felt attended to (check) and so on. It wasn’t until years later, well after my marriage had crumbled that I realized I had put all those “things” on autopilot. Why? Supposedly so I could focus fully on my career to ensure a reasonable lifestyle and that our children could go to the best schools.
It was almost like running a business. I didn’t have to pay too much focused attention to anything as long as it appeared to be running smoothly. Only when a problem surfaced within the family or relationship did I show my full attention. In essence, if there was no fire to put out, everything must be fine which means I was freed up to do the “more important” things.
It eventually became clear that what I was really doing was avoiding being fully present and aware for the most important people in my life. Even now, it still pains me deeply to realize just how unconscious I was during that time in my life.
Relationship is Based Upon Presence, Not Process
Just a few days ago my partner and I had an interesting exchange. She was being rather emphatic about the importance of novelty and new experiences within any relationship to keep it fresh and exciting. After pondering this a bit I responded with “Yes, however, even the pursuit of novelty can become a means to avoid being in the present moment for each other.” Think about it. Any process, even those designed to instill exciting variety, can become routine if it is not done within the context of being fully present and aware. It’s like thrill-seekers who are always pushing their boundaries for the next bigger rush of adrenaline. It’s a hole that can never be filled — it only makes it bigger, and often, more dangerous.
Being on autopilot is the very antithesis of being present. Being fully present, whether for your significant other or for life in general, means you are willing to face the uncertainties that come with it. When you are present, you really don’t know what will come next — which is something our older, survival-imperative, lizard brains simply cannot handle well.
Being Present Is Not a Skill — It’s a Disciplined State of Being
We humans are exquisitely engineered to learn new things — it is one of our strongest survival traits. When we first start to learn a new skill, say typing or a musical instrument, we are consciously incompetent. In the beginning we are acutely aware of just how inept we are. The more we practice, the better we become until we reach the point of being consciously competent. We become good at it but it still requires being 100% focused.
If we keep practicing beyond that we may eventually reach that most sought after level of proficiency: unconsciously competent — that is, we don’t even have to think about it to do it superbly well. This is where the autopilot kicks in.
While mastery of any process or skill takes time, sometimes even years, presence can happen instantly. That’s because it is a state of being, rather than a process of doing, that only requires your conscious choice to achieve and maintain it. And by definition being fully present, for yourself and others (especially your significant other), requires 100% full awareness. This is something our culture unfortunately conspires to help us avoid via a nearly an infinite array of available distractions.
Routine: Autopilot’s Second Cousin
Relationships often go down the road of routine to eventually end up being on autopilot. Routines are like little processes that we have “mastered” to make our life easier, hassle-free, and less bothered by that scariest of all monsters: uncertainty.
Think about your own intimate relationship and be brutally honest. What parts of it have become routine? Maybe you and your life mate have already seen the first signs and made an effort to change your ways, make things more interesting and novel. If so, then you may have fallen into another trap: the very act of pursuing a “doing” to spice things up will ultimately lead to more disappointment and frustration. I contend that no amount of “doing” can ever be enough for the long-term health and survival of an intimate relationship. It requires the discipline of presence. And believe me, it is a discipline — one that can never go on autopilot otherwise it instantly vanishes.
If you think of your most significant intimate relationship as a work of art, you will see that it requires embracing the unknown and uncertainty concomitant with any creative endeavor. It also requires being fully present to allow the beauty of your mutual creation to blossom and reveal itself. And when you do you will find that no longer are you both driving mindlessly down the road of relationship mediocrity. Instead, you are on the most exciting and exhilarating adventure of your lives. An adventure you can choose to experience, right now.
This article originally appeared on the The Good Men Project. Get the best of The Good Men Project delivered daily or weekly, or become a Premium Member!
